A working brain is a tired brain.

So we went for a walk on the Saturday night; a real slow walk, I could tell the dog was not happy at the pace, her constant looks of disapproval of my snail like shuffle just reminded me of my constant limitations.

I got through the weekend again with no sleep and woke up Monday morning (22nd February) early ready for work, still sleep deprived and wired off 2/3 hours sleep, I was anxious about the time I’ve missed off work and what people will be saying.

Work had been great with me since I had let them know, and were easing me back in until I found out more about my post surgery prognosis.

Miraculously after a busy Monday, I woke up Tuesday morning after sleeping straight through the night, the first time I had managed any kind of substantial sleep since before my surgery, and I felt so refreshed it was genuinely the best I had felt in myself in such a long time. This pattern followed the rest of the week, with unbroken sleep lasting each night just with the refreshed feeling slowly diminishing back to a norm.

My car was in for its MOT on the Wednesday which Ellen had taken for me, and we planned a walk to pick it up straight after I finished work at 4. Normally the walk to the garage would take 15/20 minutes maximum, that night it took close to an hour and highlighted how far away I was from being fully healed, but it was the furthest I had walked since surgery and I was feeling tired yet happy!

Through the week I received a letter from Addenbrookes confirming I had an appointment with a doctor on the Monday morning at 10am; I was starting to fill with more anxiety thinking this would be the time I’m told what’s going on in my body and what the plan is.

It’s hard to concentrate knowing there’s potentially something in you that could be spreading around your body, even if I had previously been told it hasn’t spread; that doubt still lingers as I know my tumour markers were showing as high prior to surgery and I just want an idea of what’s going on so I can at least plan forward. Here’s to another weekend whittling away, where my positive mantra takes on those negative thoughts in a continuous battle of the body. My positivity will always the lead the way but those thoughts just creep up on you and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it.