It’s okay.

‘It’s okay’ doing my utmost to reassure El, the only part of the car journey I remember, ‘it’s not though is it’ with a couple of tears tricking down her cheeky, I’m wiping away the tears and holding her hand. We head back to her mums, as her sister was popping in to see her friend so it was a good opportunity to see our second niece and maybe some cheeky smiles will be a good medicine for the heart.

Back at her mums house; I kinda feel like I’m floating around at the moment, not sure if my feet are touching the ground, just fully aware that I should be way more upset and the only thing upsetting me was how upset Ellen was. Now all the information I got given at the hospital meant I was anticipating at least one call but not sure what, so I was still very much on edge.

Within the hour I’d noticed a missed call and it was from the hospital so I called back on Ellen’s phone and it was just a call to confirm everything that was going to happen, I must admit she went through so much information the only thing I took from the call was operation next Friday at 7am, she covered what I should wear, what I need to do prior and all the other things I need to do before going for the operation, but I remember just staring out the window doing my best to note it all but I made no conscious effort to write anything down. At the same time my phone rang and it was the same number, Ellen answered and advised I was on the phone on the other line but it was a different department who were booking me in for pre-op Covid tests, all booked in for Tuesday afternoon, el was a step ahead writing everything down. Els sister arrives and its that first awkward cancer embrace which I fear will become a regular occurrence, she’s a doctor and so does her best to reassure in a familiar and professional manner, it is very much appreciated but I’m a shell at the moment, just a front showing little emotion, inside it’s worse, I’m void and empty, I don’t really have any thoughts I’m just blank, distractingly blank.

My phone goes off again; another random number and this time it’s the IVF clinic in Cambridge, they were so much quicker than expected. We went through the security questions and why I was being referred and what would be expected, she booked me in for the following morning in which I would go through paperwork and make a sperm donation...great one more thing to fret about! ‘Will I get an email to confirm the address and times?’ Again one of my main concerns being the finer details, I like to know times and places. ‘Yep an email will be sent you later today’ and sure enough later on in the afternoon I got my email to confirm.

We spend maybe another half hour just chatting away and I say we, I mean Ellen and her sister (it was great therapy for Ellen to have someone to chat to), whereas I was fully distracted by my cute little niece, who was changing every time I saw her due to the amount we do get to see her because of Covid, I think it was the first time since Christmas Day and she was tucked up and fast asleep that day too. It was great to just see this baby smile and giggle and reduce the mad world around me to what it should be, happiness and carefree. Already I felt reassured by Ellen and her sister, it was great knowing I already had this support along with an amazing and caring friend called Nic who unfortunately experienced the cancer journey herself and was providing regular advice from my first moment I suspected something was wrong. I reached out to Nic on a whim when I first got told I was being referred to a specialist and she was nothing short of reassuring and empathetic throughout.

We decide to get ourselves together and head home, Arya is so pleased to see us bless her and we get ready to take her out for her walk, we do a long walk to help clear the mind which for the most part I think it worked, more so for Ellen; I just liked being active more than anything else.

Late afternoon on this wretched Thursday and I got my last call from the hospital. This time it’s a nurse who goes through all the pre-op questions, it feels like 100s of questions but covers everything from have you suffered with this or that, are you taking this medicine or that, do you have family history of this or that, it just goes on and on and she then books me in for a MRSA test and more bloods for Tuesday..great Tuesday is going to be a bloody busy day!

I was concerned why I needed an MRSA test but Ellen tried to reassure me that it’s a test to make sure the hospital staff take the right precautions when operating on me, I’m not really sure but I go with it.

I’m not one for wishing time away but I already want next Friday to just come and go. I’ll be alright, It’s okay.