Let’s do the time warp again!

My eyes slowly open reminiscent of a Hollywood film scene, with a nurse next to me saying ‘Dan you’re all done’ and I don’t feel groggy like they warned, I feel like I’ve been asleep for years and refreshed. In my head what Ellen said to me the night before about potentially having a sore throat afterwards due to the tube they put down your throat was my first concern; swallow..no pain..make small talk ‘so did everything go alright?’ No pain and one final check by wriggling my fingers toes, everything felt like it was still in place, thank god! I dare not move my torso as my big fear was splitting open my incision so I lay still as if I was going to win a competition for not moving!

Beeping of machines all around me, nurses talking to patients and the odd patient sounding very groggy, I just concentrated on the clock in front of me. It said 2.15pm and I was sure the surgery was only supposed to be half hour to an hour...had I been sleeping for an hour and a half? I ask the nurse and she said ‘yeah as soon as you finished we brought you in here until you woke up, but you haven’t been in here for long’ hmmm curiouser and curiouser, I was so confused, have I time warped and lost an hour and a half of life!?

Within 10-15 minutes of just people watching they finally take me back to my room, and all I could think about was the coffee and sandwich I ordered, I was so bloody hungry and thirsty! We get back to the room and my first challenge was set, ‘right we need you to shuffle over to your bed’...ah crap I wasn’t expecting this...I do a slow butt shuffle and settle on top of the bed as quickly as possible, propped up enough so when the food and drink comes I’ll be straight on! Pain but doesn’t feel like anything split open, success!

I finally pluck up the courage and muster up what I thought would be all the strength in the world to shuffle up and get under the sheets, but I was able to use my arms to pull myself up with minimal stress on my incision around the lower abs. I get myself covered up and comfortable. The nurse pops in and checks I’m feeling okay, and said we will bring your food in 15 minutes or so, as they like to check you have no adverse effects from the surgery. I was slowly going past the hungry stage into the sicky stage and starting to panic that I was having a reaction to the surgery, I had to tell myself to stop, you’re hungry god dam it and I stopped feeling sick with the protest in my body going full steam ahead...we want food!

As I wait I could hear the poor lad next door calling for the nurse, asking if he should be sick after surgery, and I wandered if he was in for the same as me, he had apparently thrown up and they said he would have to wait another 30 minutes before he got his food, gutted for ya mate!

Within an instant my sandwich and coffee turned up, plus water and I plucked up the courage to ask the lady to grab my phone for me. I saw off the water as if I hadn’t drank in days and got my coffee sorted...small bit of coffee, lots of milk and I tret myself, so lots of sugar! I began eating my sandwich apprehensively at first, as I didn’t want to over do it and be sick, but I was so hungry I couldn’t help but shovel it in! I started to check in with everyone to let them know I got through surgery all good, and upon checking the time on my phone it was around 2pm, and it all clicked, the clock must have been fast in the other room...no time warp! After checking in with everyone soon enough my mum called and we had a quick chat, now it was just a waiting game to see when they would send me home.

Already I had started to worry about my pre-surgery query ‘should I be able to pee and will there be blood?’ I was busting to go but I dare not go until a nurse told me too. Another hour had passed and a lady came to take away plates and what not, pushing on just gone 3 and I hadn’t seen a nurse for ages! They must have sensed my worry, as within half hour a nurse pops in to check on me and says have you been to the loo yet, I said no, and she said well go to the loo. Alright Dan, this is it, the next tick on the list. I shuffle over to the toilet, open the door and the moment of truth was looking down at the awful jock strap like pants I had on and kinda liking them! I did not want to see how it all looked down there, for some reason I was expecting some horror show, but in reality nothings really changed as the incision has been done on my lower abs!

Okay I start to pee, success one, breathe. Okay no blood, success two, breathe. Knock knock, ‘are you still in there?’ I didn’t really know how to respond, because who else did she watch walk into the toilet, ‘yes I’m still going’ which didn’t seem out of the ordinary as I had only been in there for like 30 seconds..‘you’re still going!? Well I’ll be here when you’re done’ natural response of course ‘okay thank you’ what on earth am I thanking her for!? She ruined my glorious moment! I flush, wash my hands and shuffle back to the bed awaiting the next awkward exchange with this particular nurse. ‘Any issues?’ I felt like saying nah love just the fact you gave me 30 seconds to get from my bed to the toilet to pee and get back to the bed, running a tight ship aren’t ya? ‘No all good thanks’ is what I decided to go with; she advised that she will send someone to come take out the cannula in the next hour and then I’ll be good to go. I was so happy, I called Ellen and told her I’d be ready to be let go for 4.30/5ish and we continued to text throughout, re reading my texts I had a bit of verbal diarrhea, probably the meds!

The nurse comes to take my cannula out and says if you tell your fiancé to come for 5 you’ll be all ready for then.

I shuffle over to my belongings and get changed, I sit in my chair and the nurse pops in to tell me what I’ve got to take home, antibiotics for three days, tramadol and paracetamol for the pain, plus a sick note for two weeks. I must have still been under the influence of the cocktail of drugs I had during surgery, which included tramadol as I was feeling great, just mobility was limited. I text Ellen to say I’m just waiting for the nurse to come back with a wheelchair I imagine and then I’ll be right out. She comes back, no wheelchair, ‘you’re alright to walk aren’t ya?’ I didn’t know but my response as with everything was yeah it’ll be fine! We slowly shuffle through the corridors and I ask my last few questions off the top of my head, her response was you were only here for your surgery, any queries post surgery need to go back to your doctor or the team who are dealing with you. It was Pretty clear this hospital was just helping out and was washing hands of anyone that’s not a private patient. There I am still shuffling and we make it to the car park, and Ellen helps me into the car. Arrived when it’s dark and leaving when it’s dark, here we go.