“Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded.”

Another anxiety filled week begins on 8th March 2021, I have two events for the week with my first Covid jab being booked in for the Wednesday evening and the CT scan being booked in for the Saturday. Work is always a distraction but slowly it becomes less and less effective as my mind drifts; with worry and constant checking mentally that my ‘mask’ is in place, so everyone sees me being positive. Without realising the stress does chip away at you, and even the most positive mindsets can be eroded down, but with everything I am doing my best to see some good. Even at this early stage where it’s not guaranteed what the near future has in store for me, I have certainly felt tested and somewhat relieved that I can still manage a smile, still go on with some form of innocent endeavour and still be thankful for what I have and who I have in my life.

The days do drag and I get to Wednesday evening for my jab, it’s the first time I’ve been out by myself in the car since prior to my surgery. I’m in and I’m out of the location where my jab is before I know it and I take Arya out for a long walk straight after, it appears I’ve been lucky and not had any side effects. El gets back from a day shift about 9pm and we have our dinner together.

Oh I spoke to soon, I wake up on the Thursday morning before my alarm goes off and it feels like I’ve had one hell of a party the night before! Like a cold mixed with a hangover..I do not feel well but I work from home and so I crack on at the laptop. The morning walk with Arya was a rough one and took a lot longer than normal as the fresh air hit me hard rather than help me feel fresh and awake!

The weekend is finally here!! Which means it’s time for my CT scan at Addenbrooke’s and same as before, El drops me off at the entrance and I find my way to the CT department. Straight away I feel myself getting nervous even though I know what to expect and my hands are clammy! There’s a couple of older gentleman in the waiting room with me, and the nurse comes to collect us all. Luckily he takes me into the room to be scanned first, no waiting around, score!

Cannula is done and before I know it I’m lying down and listening out for the instructions again, this time it’s just a scan of my pelvic region. Considering before I didn’t really experience any of the symptoms, I wasn’t expecting to this time round however I experienced the ‘it may feel like you’re peeing’ and the warm metallic taste in the mouth. Overall it wasn’t unpleasant and I did crack a joke to the nurse about peeing myself but he didn’t seem too impressed. He took me outside and removed the cannula and I just had to wait for 5 minutes to see if I had any adverse reactions, and again before I knew it I was back in the car with El on the way back home. Now we just had to wait for the appointment on Monday which we were told would be a call, and certainly makes more sense based on the last appointment!

Monday 15th March and I’m already 30 minutes past the arranged call time and I’ve heard nothing. This obviously is not helpful when you are already filled with anxiety! My phone finally rings and the Doctor straight away asks why I’m not there in person? I told him that I had confirmation by letter it was a telephone appointment and he advised that they like to discuss ‘these things’ in person, so straight away I know it’s not going to be great news. He asks me if I can get to Addenbrooke’s ASAP and luckily El was with me so we said we can be there within the hour. Done and agreed, so I quickly spoke to work and logged off and then me and el jumped in the car and rushed off to Addenbrooke’s. We obviously have an idea of what the not so great news is, in that it’ll be that chemotherapy is required but it won’t hit home until they tell me that it is required. Let the overthinking begin.